Showing posts with label California. Show all posts
Showing posts with label California. Show all posts

Monday, August 27, 2012

Literary Roundup: Google Plus Poetry Circle

It occurs to me that these roundup titles are a bit deceiving. Someone found Dear Outer Space via the phrase "google plus poetry circle" this week. I don't know what that is exactly, but it sounds like it is both nerdy and fun. I've heard of writers using G+ hangouts to write in 45 minute blocks and then chat for 15 minutes. I'm interested in other ways to use this new social network, but I'm having trouble finding people there.

Also, a lot of folks are searching for Submission Bombers, which is cool. Word is spreading! Now, onto this week(ish)'s roundup, literary style.

I'm in love with this poem over at Linebreak (where else?) by Bill Neumire entitled "Father is the Factory". It's just a lovely and sad exploration of working class fatherhood.
He of the wink / & walnut-crushing hands. He of the night without / dreams.
Issue 2.1 of Stone Highway Review features a bunch of work from the Submission Bombers! Some of my favorites include

New (to me) journal, Holiday Cafe, is looking to showcase work by writers of the City of Champions.

A few interesting job opportunities for writers! An indie bookstore in Virginia needs a booksitter. The online lit mag Anderbo is looking for a paid parttime fiction reader. There are a few others over Erika Dreifus' blog.

Contests? Why yes! California residents can still apply for the California Writers Exchange Award, so long as you've lived in California for at least two years prior to submitting. I'll have to wait until next year. The online lit mag Mixed Fruit also has a no fee contest.

Carolee Bennett weighs in on the continued discussion over whether an MFA in poetry is worthwhile.

Finally, I'll leave you with Bill Murray reading a couple of Wallace Stevens poems, via Poets House.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Post-Workout Confessions

Life is not crazy lately. It is just life. Well, there are a few extra stressors I could do without, which is why my already Moderate-Strong levels of anxiety are reaching Richter magnitudes at the Major-Great 9.0+ end of the scale.

Anxiety is not something people talk about for some reason. True anxiety, that is. The kind that cripples people, causing them feel they are on the brink of terror, constantly irritated, fatigued, and sometimes just plain mean to the people around them. People who don't realize they are in a constant, low-level state of anxiousness might begin to think they are actually just a horrible, sad person.

Why don't we talk about it? I don't understand that. Being ashamed of how we feel just makes it worse.

So here is the truth.

I don't love San Francisco. I've lived here for a year and haven't been to Golden Gate Park. Most days I stay at home, because I work from home, but also because facing this city is exhausting. Facing a city that doesn't get me. Feeling so completely displaced. The city does have it's moments. They are usually when I leave the city and remember that the ocean is so close I could reach out and taste the saltwater.

Making friends is hard. Good ones, the kinds you can be an anxious mess in front of. I have a handful here that I am grateful for. I need more.

Writing poems is beyond hard right now. With the chapbook coming out, I keep thinking, "But these are the best poems I've ever written. How can I top these?" Plus, when a writer has a small sphere without much stimuli to stir up new connections and ideas, the poems tend to be a bit navel-gazey. That's all I write these days. So I mostly don't write.

I'm not in love with my life. I feel most ashamed of this. In theory, I *should* be. Shouldn't I? I teach poetry, I write for an awesome company (from home!), my partner is more supportive and loving than I ever thought possible, and I live in this amazing city. Yet, I'm still trembling. From the "little t" trauma of starting over completely. It's only been a year, but in this past year I've left school, my family, my friends, my hometown, moved across the country, to a state that might as well be another planet, to a city that doesn't get me, moved in with my partner, started a new career, and damn, that's not even half of it.

Lately I've been waking up way too early, averaging around 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I do not function well when I'm this sleep deprived. I wake up and begin to feel the pulse of anxiety creep into my veins telling me to wake up, get going, start working, go go go. Falling back to sleep becomes impossible.

At some point, an anxiety-ridden person gets either depressed or angry. The anxiety becomes too overwhelming to deal with, so bed is the safest place. Or the anxiety becomes so overwhelming that you run. Literally run. Run off all that stored energy that your body seems to think you need right now. Your body is telling you, "Feel threatened! Go go go!" So you do. You run or swim or climb flights of stairs, make your heart beat faster and sweat until your body surrenders. Waves that little white flag and screams, "For the love of life, please stop! You are safe now. Stop stop stop!" And you have a few moments of calm inside.

Working out is a weird term for what I'm trying to do. Yes, I want to be OUT of this shitty feeling. But it doesn't happen like that. It returns. One jog will not be the healing balm for my anxiety. It's more like a work-through, I think. Or working-through, even. A perpetual state of maintaining, care-taking, self-loving. Owning your out-of-control pulse. Telling your body that you are safe everyday, if you are lucky enough to be safe, that is. And I am. Both lucky and safe.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Stress, Focusing, Impostor Syndrome and Other Adventures

I haven't written much lately. Life is sort of beyond stressful. Laughably stressful. I'm working a ton and writing all day for work just drains me.

Why not write at the beginning of your day, Laura?

Excellent question. Complex answers. 

Brevity is not a strength I possess and neither is being vague. I'd rather just say, "I'm struggling with [insert weird condition here]" and be done with it. For privacies sake, I will say instead that any given day I have a limited number of hours in which I can focus, which greatly depends on how well I've slept, whether I've been eating right, and the amount of physical activity in my week. Since most days I wake up tired, even if I've slept enough, eat pasta and cheese all day, and a walk down and back up two flights of stairs to get the mail causes my heart to race, my focusable hours are really at a premium.

The other problem with my writing life is that I don't do anything. I don't go anywhere or see people. When I have the chance to go somewhere and see people, I often make myself sick with anxiety over it (that's a whole other post). Having just recently come to the realization that I am both an extrovert and an introvert (ambivert?), I have a better understanding of my needs. I need both time with people and time alone to feel balanced. I've got the time alone racked up for years. If only it worked like that. This lack of general eventfulness in my life has made whatever I do write fall into the "Pit of Despair and Obsessive Navel Gazing" - which is bad, in case that's not obvious. In terms of writing material, I'm at an all-time low. 

Whatever focusable hours my stress level and natural tendencies afford me these days, I spend it on work. I have been getting things for Weave in order, which feels wonderful. And my chapbook sales went well. But not producing any new work right now has given me a nasty case of Impostor Syndrome. My general stream of thoughts when attempting anything bordering on poetry-writing or editing consists of:

This is crap. Why try? Get a different career.
How many times have you used the word "feel" in this poem??
OMG I'm annoyed by my self. 
You call that poetry?

It's actually much worse than that, but I'll leave those lovely thoughts for me and me alone. I know I'm just in a rut and I'll eventually get out, but it's really no fun feeling like a fraud of a poet everyday. It makes it hard for me to further promote my book, write reviews, or even take joy in reading the poetry of others.

I think it just boils down to the fact that I'm profoundly lonely these days. I've been in California for a year now and while I have friends, I have no close friends in the city. The kind of friends you can be a mess with. Maybe I do have those friends here, but I feel too embarrassed to risk breaking down in front of them. Depression is clinical. Loneliness is just embarrassing.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

halfway there and ahead of schedule

Fourteen days into NaPoWriMo and I have fifteen poems. Rad!

It was an accident. I wrote two poems yesterday after trying to write an erasure poem, which I didn't finish it until today. It will count for tomorrow.

So I'm ahead by one which is a relief. I've been wanting to write a sestina for a while. I like them for the same reason I like puzzle games like Freecell and Tetris: I get to solve an interesting problem and I know when I'm finished. Very satisfying. 

I started a new workshop today. Poet Cathy Barber, who I know through CPITS, asked if I'd be interested in forming a writing group a few weeks ago. Yes yes! I said and asked if I could invite my poetry partner-in-crime, Molly. Cathy's friend Sara joined us and it was really magical. We took each other's writing seriously while laughing and munching on chips and guacamole. We're gathering monthly now. It feels good to have a group and it feels really good to make new friends.

On an unrelated note, one of my 3rd grade students drew the picture below for me. She tucked it into a book I'd left in the classroom last week. I'm pretty sure I'll keep this forever.

Hope your Saturday is as enjoyable as mine.






Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Old Circus Ads & Acronyms Galore

Once again, I'm going to disappoint frustrated Google searches by title posts with my favorite searches that bring people to Dear Outer Space. This one kind of makes me want to have a frame old circus ad in my writing room. I'm writing, but I'm not in my writing room. I'm on the couch in the adjacent living room surrounded by the chaos of 10 different projects. Classes, editing, taxes, oh my!

I like being busy. Prefer it, in fact. Especially when I'm not busy, like now. The job search hasn't been that successful in the short term. However, I have good news for the long term.

Before I tell you the good news, here is a helpful guide to all the acronyms in this post.

CPITS - California Poets in the Schools
PoL - Poetry Out Loud
PIO - Poetry Inside Out

the California State Capitol Building, with palm trees
Sunday afternoon I drove north to Sacramento, California's state capitol. Did you know it was north? Because I sure didn't and was very surprised when Google maps told me otherwise. Super easy drive. I was heading to the California Poetry Out Loud Statewide Competition. The first round was on Sunday night and, I have to say, impressed doesn't fully explain my feelings. These 33 high school students were all individually so accomplished. As a whole, they could take over the world with their wide-ranging interests spanning from math to writing to athletics to business to politics to drama and back again.

On Monday morning they were on fire. The second round took place in the state Senate Chambers and most students were visited by their state reps. These kids really brought it on Monday. Sadly, only six were finalists and all were worthy of winning. Gentlemen swept the first and second runners up, as well as the State Champion. I can't wait to see how he does in Washington D.C. I wish I could attend.

While there, I saw friends from around the state, CPITS teachers who coached their county's champion. I also heard a lovely speech by Dana Gioia and almost got to meet Juan Felipe Herrera, California's recently-named Poet Laureate, who was one of the judges.

CA State Senate - talk about an intimidating room!
As things were coming to a close, I was speaking with the CPITS Administrative Coordinator, Tina, saying I'd love to be involved with PoL (which CPITS manages in some counties including San Francisco). She told me she already put me down to be the Poetry Out Loud Coordinator for San Francisco City & County!

*SQUEAL*

This program is funded completely through grants from the NEA and corporate sponsors. I can provide five sessions to a local school completely free of cost to them. Since only one school participated from San Francisco this year, I hope we see at least a 500% increase next year! I've already made a spreadsheet (man, I love those things) of all the area high schools including public, charter, private, religious and independent. There are a TON of schools here. I'm really hoping to form some connections with schools and get kids involved with and passionate about poetry.

So it turns out there is hope for this freelancing thing still. If only the school year wasn't ending already. My work with PIO will finish at the end of May so I'm considering getting a no-brainer summer job, either admin work or retail working at Anthropologie. Might as well get an awesome discount, right?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Winter Coats Are for Winter

I have been visiting my family in Pittsburgh since November 19th. I worked while I was here from ModCloth's Pittsburgh office, which was fun and fortunate because I could spend extra time with my family and friends without losing work days. I fly home to San Francisco tonight and hit the ground running tomorrow with teaching and writing.

During my visit I stayed in my parents house, the house I grew up in. My old bedroom is now the guest room; Sal and I slept there all week until he left on Saturday and since I've slept alone. I forgot how cold my room can get at night, especially without Sal there, who is part furnace. On Sunday night we missed the chance to talk and I dreamt of him. He emailed me saying he fell asleep after work and dreamt of picking me up at the airport and calling me all night.

The typical question that everyone asks you when you get married is, "How's married life?" Which is then quickly followed by, "When are you going to start a family?" Since Sal and I are not married, the question I got asked the most during my visit was, "How do you like California?" I'm not sure why I started answering the question this way but I told people about all the things I didn't like: how I feel neurotic around Californians, I missed autumn, people pee on the street at night, I can't get used to the slow pace or how expensive everything is. This was an honest response. I'd then quickly follow up with how I love my work and learning the city is fun and there is always delicious food and avocados everywhere! But I made it clear that it was and still is a big adjustment for me. Sal expressed concern about my responses and I told him I just wanted to be honest with people and not just say that I love California because you are supposed to love it. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. The jury's still out.

A few people asked me whether California felt like home.

No.

But after I thought it about, Pittsburgh didn't feel like home anymore either, especially after Sal left. It's definitely more "me" here. People here drink beer, put fries on the their salads, don't care whether their food is "grass-fed" and they don't wear winter coats when it's 55 degrees outside because 55 degrees is not cold. But it's not home anymore. It occurred to me that I am, for the first time ever, without a home.

I don't know how I feel about it. Many people experience this feeling much younger, but I called Pittsburgh my home for 30 years and five days and now I live in California. As corny as it sounds, Sal feels like home. Saying goodbye on Saturday was hard because I thought about all the times we said goodbye while we were long-distance. But now I say goodbye to so many people and while those goodbyes are the same kind of difficult, they are still hard. Especially when you come from a tight-knit clan like me.

Maybe people become my home? Maybe I carry it with me? Maybe I have many homes? Or perhaps I decide what home means and I consciously build it in San Francisco? I don't have any answers yet.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Colorful Cornucopia of Delicious Literary Autumn Squash!

I broke the ice last night and dove back into blogging after a hiatus for a couple of weeks. Maybe it was less than that, but I was writing every other day for a while there and then I started feeling guilty and so I just jumped in, jackknife-style, and now I'm covered with bloggy goosebumps and ready to share with you an autumn harvest of literary wonders!

First, in case we aren't Facebook friends, you might not have heard my happy news. My poem "Widowing" one the 2011 Crab Creek Review Poetry Contest. The contest judge of Dorianne Laux, who had some amazingly generous thoughts about the poem. It's a big huge giant honor to be selected and I'm seriously still flying high from the news.

I also attempt being a formalist poet over at Whistling Fire. Check out my poem "The Ordination of Woman" that the published last week.

In online literary news, a bunch of journals have released their latest issues including Toad, Boxcar, PANK, and Sweet. I plan to sit down with all of these issues and read read read this weekend. I love them all. I'm a particularly big fan of Rachel Bunting and Mary Biddinger, both who are featured in Toad. Also, Adanna Literary Journal, a lovely new feminist print journal, has featured the work of some of their latest contributors online. Check out Carol Berg and Mary Stone Dockery, two upcoming Weave contributors.

I just got my copy of Gregory Sherl's Heavy Petting. Super excited to read it. I've flipped through it and caught a few pages, but I've been super busy with starting new jobs this week. I'll be honest, I don't read a ton of male poets. It's taken me a while to find people I like, and sometimes I find myself being uber-critical, and I have to step back and try to take in the experience and perspective of another. Sherl's poetry, often about relationships and sex, is open, funny and honest. It's quirky, which seems to be "the thing" in the hip-poet world at the moment, but not so quirky that it misses the emotional boat ride. These poems resonate. Some are also pretty sexy. I like sexy poems. Also, can I just say, nice job YesYes Books! Your design and print work is simple, yet stunning. Check out the review of Heavy Petting at Read This Awesome Book.

Let's see, what else?

Read this interview over at Poets & Writers with John Murillo, where he discusses voice and reading your poetry.

In the intersections of technology and all things literary we find two great bits of news. One, the Poetry Foundation has an app for your smart phone. Pretty sweet to be able to pull up any poem you want, whenever. Also, for you Kindle users out there, you can now check out books from certain libraries that use a service called OverDrive. I haven't tried it yet, but if you do, please let me know how it works. I think this has the potential to be HUGE.

Pittsburgh, I miss you. I miss autumn and pumpkins and the gorgeous hillsides ablaze with color. The last reading I attended in Pittsburgh was City of Asylum's 2011 Cave Canem reading. It was fantastic and featured readings from poets Toi Derricotte, Cornelius Eady, Natasha Trethewey, and special guest Amiri Baraka. If you missed it, never fear. I've posted the video of Amiri Baraka's reading at the end of the post. You can also read an interview with Baraka in the latest issue of Sampsonia Way. While his poetry often sparks controversy, I think that is one of things I see less of in the world of poetry these days. Let's all go write some poems that piss people off this week, okay?

Oh boy, there is still more literary deliciousness!

Issue 06 of Weave was reviewed by NewPages. Says reviewer Hazel Foster, "this issue offers an accessible mix of prose and poetry." I agree! Also, "Weave is a great example of how an independent print magazine can succeed. Subscribe, submit, find a comfortable place to devour and enjoy." Thanks so much. Oh yes, subscribe or purchase by tonight and you can get half off anything you buy. Just use the code "BICOASTAL" at checkout.

On an unrelated note, everyone in California is wearing these shoes. I want them too now. They look super comfortable. I'm going to Nordstroms tomorrow to try on a pair I think. I need some comfy walking shoes. Also not literary, but still fun, are these comics about bisexuality. Definitely relatable.

My last morsel of lit news comes from the United States Postal Service. Thanks for putting more poets on stamps. I can't wait to get my hands on these! Send me a postcard with one of these and I'll love you forever and ever.

Happy reading everyone.



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Long Time No Blog

Hey you! How ya been? I've missed our little chats lately. Sorry I've been so busy and I have a few blog posts I started and then abandoned and then more time goes by and I feel guilty for not blogging, which then makes it not fun anymore.

The truth is that I've been busy because a got jobs. That's right, you heard me. I got jobs. Plural. More than one. Two, in fact, with a third in development. I started working as a part-time freelance fashion writer for ModCloth and I'm tutoring kids in the East Bay. I also began training to be a poet-translator for Poetry Inside Out. All of these gigs will get their own update someday, when I'm not nodding off over my sleepy-go-night-night mug o' peppermint tea.

Goodness gracious, I'm tired.

It feels good be tired from working though. Really good. I have officially ridden the bus more during this past week than I had ever in my entire life combined. I did lose a cute sweater and my favorite blue felt flower pin on the 71 bus yesterday afternoon. Or maybe it was the 47. So many bus routes, but either way, losing my pin, well, that was sad.

I'm so tired right now, but I am still alive and I want to write more when I'm not tired but I still need to finish my lesson for tomorrow afternoon and I have to get up for an early appointment. That was long winded. Short version: me sleepy now, write more soon. kthax bai.

I leave you with an awesome picture of the Barenaked Ladies, who I saw in concert last night. It was a belated birthday gift from Sal. Second row seats = Awesome.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Hello Out There!

It seems that my recent post about getting involved with your local literary community has inspired people. This is super exciting! One compliment that I get from people, that I don't mind getting, is that I've got a lot of enthusiasm. Usually they are referring to something specific, like poetry or travel. However, those closest to me know that I tend to be easily excitable. "IT'S TUESDAY! I LOVE TUESDAYS!" Or "ZOMG this Pad See Ew is SO GOOD!" Then I do a happy dance. It's a very uncool dance that involves a lot of bouncing and flailing. Watch out when I flail. I'm pretty tall, I might knock you down.

So yeah, I'm excited that people are excited about getting involved.

Speaking of getting involved, I attend a fantastic conference this weekend for California Poets in the Schools. I met a bunch of really great veteran poets who have been teaching in the schools for decades. They were so inspiring! I also made friends with some of the new poets and I'm stoked to get more involved. I will be updating about this organization a lot.

I also drove on highway 101 South for 343 miles. Then, again, coming back north. California, you're mountains are wooing me. *swoon*

I have news. News that I can't share yet. It's good news. Like, really excitingly good news. I almost can't stand it. This is an exercise in developing patience.

The good news I can share is that I got a job! That wants to pay me! Soon! I start a part time tutoring job in the East Bay next week. I will teach reading and writing to groups of second graders for the school year. It's very exciting.

I also am hoping to get involved with Poetry Inside Out, part of the Center for the Art of Translation. I've been accepted for their training, which runs for the next two Saturdays in a row. I'm so excited to meet poets in the city.

There is more to say. I will say it soon. But I must get some reading and writing done this afternoon.

Yeah, I rhymed. What WHAT?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm Filling Time

Lately I have been reading wikipedia pages about the human heart. I've learned about the four different chambers, the inferior and superior vena cava, the walls that separate sections. Sometimes I clench my left hand into a fist just so I can image the size. It's smaller than I imagine, the heart.

I recently put together my thesis manuscript into one document. I've had the poems, the introduction, the bibliography, the sections - all of these were in separate files on my computer. But this week I copied and pasted them all into one big file, formatted section numbers, adjusted margins, created a table of contents. It felt good to print it out and hand the draft to my director. I'm almost there.

After I got all the poems in one document, I copied the poem text into this text analysis software, which then sorts your words in a big list by how frequently they appear. This has been invaluable in terms of me having documented evidence of my obsessions. The word body appears in my thesis nineteen times. Then, the words hair, hands, eyes, skin and heart all appear seventeen times each. Spider shows up nine times. Vibrator twice. Ten palms, nine teeth, seven kitchens, seven blues. I have a document open always where I jot down title ideas. I am enjoying this ongoing process of information gathering. Maybe I should call it Ten Palms, Nine Teeth. Or Nineteen Bodies. Let me get those two on my list real quick...

Other recent accomplishments include my issue of Caper Literary Journal being posted this week. I guest edited a small selection of five awesome poems and one awesome short story for March. I had so much fun soliciting work from awesome writers I know. Something magical happened with this process actually; fascinating themes emerged dealing with creation, mythology, death, rebirth, retelling, bodies and magic. It's a magical collection. I am very proud to make public their work.

Additionally, this morning my poem "One Million Cow Eyes" was accepted by the new Adanna Literary Journal. Founded by Christine Redman-Waldeyer and guest-edited by Diane Lockward. I'm excited and honored to be included in the inaugural issue of this awesome feminist journal. This poem is about the animal scientist Temple Grandin who is also a high functioning autistic person. She's an especially amazing person and I recommend learning more about her life and accomplishments.

Other than these things, I'm mostly soaking up spring and time with my family. California feels closer and closer and before long I'll be on a plane headed toward The Bay. I went to the shooting range with my dad for the first time yesterday and nothing terrible happened. In fact, I got to know myself and my father a little bit better. So I'd say it was a day well spent.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Well it's been about 100 years

Maybe not quite that long, but I tend toward hyperbole. I often say things like, "I must have a million things to do today!" or "I will never get off this couch." Makes things interesting.

I've noticed a few shifts occurring in Pittsburgh with regard to poetry. First of all, Gist Street is closing it's doors this Friday. What a sad event; Gist is such an amazing reading series. I want to go but I fear I must get there hours early and wait in the cold. Maybe if I can find a lawn chair of some kind. And play UNO on the street.

But at least two reading series have popped up to fill the void (interestingly I typed "voice" there by accident...). There is the new reading series Speaking of...Pittsburgh and also the MFA folks at Chatham (gotta represent) have been doing a monthly reading in conjunction with Unblurred. Perhaps I'm too immersed, but I've felt at seismic shift in that people are talking about poetry and planning events. Stacey Waite's book release event is this Saturday it's sponsored by not one, but four Pittsburgh organizations. Terrance Hayes won the National Book Award for Lighthead (reviewed here on the Weave website).  It's just an excellent time to be in Pittsburgh and be a writer.

Speaking of Weave, our fifth issue is currently at the printer or possibly on its way to my front door. I'm just about bursting with excitement. I love when a new issue arrives and I get to open the boxes and hold the collective work of poets and writers from around the globe in my little hands. I have to say, the new Weave staff really outdid themselves. We have an amazing issue. You should buy one.

With all that is going on in Pittsburgh, I have to say it is bittersweet. Plans are in the making for my departure to another city with a huge literary history and community. Next summer I will be moving to San Francisco in the hopes of beginning my life there with my partner and establishing myself within that community, perhaps even creating some new ones. Pittsburgh will always be my home. Weave will stay here but also set up camp in the city by the bay. Weave will be a bi-coastal journal and hopefully I can plan an event with all our west coast contributors.

It's really an excellent time to be a writer; It's also an excellent time to be Laura. I'm working on my thesis and sending out my strongest work yet. I'm feeling like I'm narrowing in on this process of becoming something I always thought I was. Someone I always knew I had the potential to be. I'm sure I'll be constantly changing the goal, always in the process of becoming, but it feels good to be getting warmer each day.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Pride


I'm sure you've heard by now that Prop 8, the ballot proposition in California that defined marriage as an institution made only for a man and a woman, has been overturned. Gay couples can now get married, just like straight couples in this state, along with four others, plus our nation's capital. Living in California this summer, just feet away from the Castro, with all its history, and now being present here during the overturning of Prop 8, has given me some hope. Hope that human's can learn from their own history, weigh progress against tradition, factor in the ideas of the old and young, put aside personal beliefs, and just let people be themselves. I don't think I'll be able to process my entire experience in this state until I'm back in my home state. But for now, I'm just proud to be here.

Friday, July 30, 2010

BEATIFIC: Kaleidoscope Reading Series

Last night I attended the Kaleidoscope Reading Series, curated by Michelle Wallace. Of the readings I have attended so far, this one felt the most familiar to me. Perhaps it was the dim, red lighting or the small, cozy living room atmosphere of the Kaleidoscope Free Speech Zone. It could have been youthfulness of the audience and the readers, who are on similar career paths as myself: current MFA students or recent graduates, educators, publishing in familiar journals. It also seemed that everyone there knew one another. I noticed that about all of the readings actually. There is definitely a community here, but it seems that they run in smaller packs, which is similar to Pittsburgh. Lots of readings, but it's too soon to tell how much crossover there is between reading series. There were definitely fewer people at this reading that compared to the RADAR Reading, but also Diane di Prima put a lot of people in the audience, so I can't fault Kaleidoscope.

There was something else that felt more familiar about this reading. I keep sensing it was the intimate space, the cheep beer, the funky young audience. But I suspect it was the writing. It resonated more with me than any other reading I've been to so far. I'll try to be brief with my reviews of specific readers, since there were five in total. Kudos to Michelle (who welcomed me when I awkwardly walked in at the last minute) to planning a short intermission. Too man readings I've attended (in any city) run on too long without a break.

The readers themselves were all young, in their late 20's or 30's and they read a mixture of fiction, poetry and memoir. First up was Michael Zhai who read some nonfiction that were pulled from his experiences going to on a high school field trips to visit a Pilgrim village in his home state of Massachusetts. Zhai's prose was well written enough, but I was more captivated by his poetry. His verse was musical and had more surreal striking imagery, which made up for the fact that he was kind of a low-key reader. Sometimes I wish people would practice reading and be a little more compelling, like they actually like their own work.

Next up was Elissa Perry, who read an excerpt from her novel. I find it difficult to be dropped into the middle of a larger plot line, but Perry pulled it off with her understated confidence and warm cadence in her voice. Her writing detailed a gathering of young lesbians and included a rather sensual scene that managed to be sexy, but not pornographic. I think she was probably the best in terms of reading ability and presence. I was also left wanting to read more of her novel, which is probably what she's going for.

The next reader was Richard D'Elia, a quieter man who's poetry had no titles. He was all business when he read, very efficient, pausing long enough between pieces to make up for the fact that his pieces were untitled. While some of his work was compelling, I felt like I needed to have more time with it. I always feel this way, especially about lyrical poetry. If it doesn't have a narrative or a long extended metaphor, it's difficult to really get a poem the first time you hear it. His work incorporated a lot of earthy imagery, one in particular was about the body and merging with the natural environment, something I rarely hear coming from a man's work. But perhaps I'm stereotyping.

After a short intermission, Scott Duncan entertained us with some nonfiction that he claims to not have written himself. He is apparently working on a re-imagining of Helen Hunt Jackson's Ramona. Instead of reading an excerpt, he chose instead to read synopses the various remakes of the story in film, documentary and even pornography.  In short, it was very funny. I'm probably not the best person to comment on it simply because I had never heard of Jackson's classic novel until Duncan read this piece. It is clearly a part of the culture in California though, and part of the Mexican culture specifically in Southern California. Good reader, relaxed, entertaining. It's rare to have sustained humor at a reading and I appreciated it.

The final reader was Maiana Minahal who read both poetry and a selection from her new memoir. I did find the subject matter of the memoir compelling, mostly because it details the events leading up to the sudden death of Minahal's father six years ago. As the story progressed, it seemed to point toward her father drowning while the two were swimming in the ocean together in Hawaii. However, she stopped short of the actual death, so we're left wanting more. A good tactic on her part. Minahal admitted to never writing nonfiction before and that this was a work in progress. I felt the excerpt lacked the emotional tension that I longed for earlier in the section. She spent a lot of time setting the scene and describing minuscule events and it wasn't until the end that we got to feel what she was feeling. I wanted more of that earlier in the piece. I think her nonfiction could benefit from her poetic sensibilities, which are clearly her strong suit. Her poetry was my favorite poetry of the evening in both the ambition of the text and the reader's particular voice. Minahal read from her book Legend Sondayo, which is primarily a retelling of a Filipino folktale. She stated during the reading that she both modernize and made the stories queer to reflect her specific voice and the story's impact on her as a young person. Minahal's strong reading voice was as it's most deliberate when reading from this collection. I never wanted her to stop. I also bought a copy of her book. You can too.

I tried to find links to blogs or websites for all of these writers, but when doing Google searches, all of their names, save for Minahal's, came up with random links to strange websites.  I'm surprised by this fact. In Pittsburgh, almost everyone I know has a blog or a website or a project with their name attached to it. Your name is your product as a writer, IMO, and you need to have a web presence. Perhaps I just run with that crowd though. It seems all of these writers are doing well for themselves despite their lack of web presence. If I was going to be in San Francisco for another month, I would definitely go out to this reading again. Nice job, Kaleidoscope.

Note: I did find Elissa Perry on Twitter. Yeah, I'm following her now. Cuz I'm a big writer-geek fan-girl.

Monday, July 19, 2010

IT'S BEATIFIC: Radar Reading with Diane di Prima 7.7.2010

As part of my independent study for the summer, I am documenting my travels around San Francisco. I was not sure if I wanted to document this experience online or not. After some reflection, I think that this space is the best place to document my experiences while I'm in the city. Another portion of my study is devoted to ecotourism and the Redwood trees of Muir Woods. I will not have internet access in that space, but for now, as I sit in Vesuvio in San Francisco, drinking my Stella and typing away in the upstairs loft, I figure I might as well document my experiences online for all the world to see.

I'm a little behind. I'm also not traveling in any particular order. I might return to some places more than once. But to kick off my initial study of the Beat poets, I discovered that Diane di Prima, lady beat extraordinaire and San Francsico's Poet Laureate, was reading as part of the RADAR Reading series. RADAR is produced by Michelle Tea and places an emphasis on queer art. Below is my experiences before and after attending the reading on July 7th.
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I have been in California for one week so far. The first week has been stressful while we tried to find an apartment in the city. Luckily our phones could sync up with Google Maps and our GPS and we got around this new landscape. San Francisco, like Pittsburgh, is a city of neighborhoods. However, unlike my steel city, San Francisco's neighborhoods and their inhabitants aren't put off by the lines drawn in the sand. Folks from the Mission travel into the Lower Haight. People from Russian Hill visit the Castro and I have been to many neighborhoods, making note of their distinct characteristics, while also noticing the broader characteristics of the general city. People enjoy eye contact here. There is an openness to the people of San Francisco that has had me startled. Intimidated. There is not focus on what seems proper or expected, but on what is reality. Sometimes I feel I have to hide parts of myself in Pittsburgh: my queerness, my godlessness, my liberal politics and my artistic thinking. Pittsburgh might be fine with these things, but I'm not sure. It's like Pittsburgh is my mother. I'm not ready to be that person in front of Pittsburgh just yet. But in San Francisco, I can be whoever I want. And truly, no one cares.

By "no one cares" I mean, if I wanted to leave the house wearing a hot pink tutu and a tank top that reads "I like to kiss girls (and boys too)" no one would care. I can openly give affection to my current partner and know that while I might get some attention, but more likely the beautiful drag queen at the other end of the bar is getting more attention than me. And this is not meaning to sound stereotypical. There are plenty of just "regular" mainstream people here. Although I do find myself longing to either cut my hair, pierce my nose or tattoo something on my wrists.

After our apartment hunting excursion, we found the loveliest place in San Francisco, situated in a quiet off-street in the Lower Haight. The online maps were such a success, I've begun to create a map for all my excursions around the various parts of the city for my Beat Poetry studies. While doing research for my map, I was referred by a friend to the RADAR Reading series. Once I checked out their website I realized that the beat writer and poet Diane di Prima was reading at the main library branch in the city. Since we had yet to move from Mountain View, I decided to face my fear of public transportation and take the CalTrain toward the city, with a quick switch onto the BART system that took me directly to the library branch holding the reading. I got there so early I had time to get some dinner, sign up for a library card and check out the poetry section. I breathed a sign of relief to realize it was quiet extensive and that I would not have buy too many additional books for my study.

I went downtstairs for the reading about 10 minutes before it was set to begin. There were only three people there and they seemed to be the folks that organized the reading. I left, got a bottled water, used the bathroom and by the time I returned the seats were filling up. I quickly snagged a front seat and did not move from it the entire reading.

RADAR Reading Series featured Diane di Prima, Tony Tulathimutte, Mica Sigourney and Ryka Aoki, their first winner of the Eli Coppola Poetry Chapbook Prize. Diane read last. All of the readers were pretty incredible. The first thing I noticed about this reading was how prepared all of the readers were to do their writing justice through performance. Perhaps this is part of the beat movement rubbing off on them. Perhaps it seeps into the writers and poets in the air.

The first poet, Mica Sigourney, was irreverant, funny, sweet and overly-concerned with the volume of his speaking. His work was like little portraits of "a day in the life of a gay man" and later described his work as such. He said (and I paraphrase) that he steals his work from his friends and the things they say. He just wants to document the cool and funny and fun things he and his friends say and do. Document what it's like to be a gay man in San Francisco. A number of his poems were named "Faggot" and it almost became a running gag. His poems were narrative and surreal and funny and grand and specific. I enjoyed them.

Tony Tulathimutte, a fiction writer, read a selection from his novel. Tulathimutte will be attending the Iowa Writer's Workshop in the fall on the Truman Capote Fellowship. Bastard. He's really talented. His work was amazingly detailed and really peaked into the mind of a character who was so cut off from the human experience, so throughly obsessed with organizing and documenting his porn collection, yet somehow we had the greatest sympathy for him. Because this character had somehow taken sex and followed it around through pornography and digital re-imaging and back around again to real human experience. Fantastic.

Ryka Aoki was my favorite of the new-to-me writers at this reading. Her work was just SO honest and real and straightforward, yet also mired with familiar religious imagery and often taken to surreal landscapes in the sky, in the mind, in the emotions, in the voice, in the transitory places, in between things. Her honesty about being a trans-person and being an abuse survivor was so compelling. She managed to balance being overly confessional with just being real. There was no exhibitionism, it was just personal experience that was somehow made universal and mystical and wonderful.

To the final reader, I cannot do justice to her presence. Diane di Prima got up wearing a simply black cotton shirt that was falling off her shoulder, revealing the fact that she was braless at 72-years-old. She began her reading with a few songs she wrote earlier that day and some anecdotes about her husband, who's back had been thrown out and he was at home, lying on the floor. She sang in a voice that was gravely and too low for her vocal range. But it didn't matter. We were at story time. The room was packed, standing room only in the back, and people egged her on to read more and more. She decided to read primarily from her yet-to-be-published memoir about her life as an artist in San Francisco. Her first memoir, Recollections of My Life as a Woman: The New York Years, I have yet to read, but if it was anything like the selections she read from tonight, I cannot wait to pick up a copy. Her stories were funny, part how-to guide for artists, part grandmother telling you her life story, you could not stop listening. She only read for a few moments, but the story she told us was more than enough from which to glean inspiration about how to truly live a rebellious artists life.

Afterward, I cannot say how I felt, except that the room was bursting with intellectual questions for the Q&A session, bursting with personality, humility, hospitality and creativity. The audience was comprised of a fascinating mix of people that, were I to describe them, I would fail miserably by placing them into strange stereotypes of modern beatniks and hipster-queers and hippie-lovelies. I will say they were diverse and warm and I felt very comfortable in this space.

If this reading is any indication of what the current poetry scene is like in San Francisco, I cannot wait to get out there and attend another reading. This really set the bar high for me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Shhhh.... I'm at the library

I love being nosy at the library. To my left a woman with a cute purple purse is reading intensely. To my right, another woman has self-help books surrounding her: Highly Effective People Who Make You Shut Up and Sit Down in 8 Easy Steps kind of stuff. Some guy behind me has really kickass boots and an ascot is taking a little snooze with a magazine resting on his lap. Yeah.

I got my San Francisco Library card today. Turns out visitors can get them for three months. Awesome! I quickly located the poetry section and found some books I've been meaning to read. I also hopped on the wireless while I wait for the reading to start at 6pm. The RADAR Reading series has Diane di Prima reading tonight, which works out oh-so-perfectly with my study of the Beat poets. I even took public transportation here for the first time, and as a girl from the suburbs who loves her car so very very much it was a nervewracking experience. Once I get used to it I'll be golden. Maybe even start taking the bus more when I'm back in the burgh, since you know, it's free and all for Chatham students.

I've also decided to do Blogathon this year along with my friends Daisybones and Nyelarebirth. Seems that the real Blogathon is down for the summer, but people quickly began an AltBlogathon site to fill in the gap. I'm still thinking about what charity I'm choosing. Considering: Pittsburgh Public Libraries, Center for Inquiry, Pittsburgh LGBT organization or perhaps something BP oil spill related. Ideas?

I'm off to the reading! I'll let you know how it is.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Are You Always This Sunny?

When I came to visit California last year, I could not get over the sunshine. I awoke each morning with the same exclamation: "It is so beautiful outside today!" My boyfriend tried to tell me that it was like this everyday, but it did not stop my gleeful cries. I couldn't help but gush about how amazing it was outside. Being so used to the very occasional sunny day in Pittsburgh, I savored each day. We drove around with the top down on his 2003 silvery-blue Thunderbird and I got a little sunburned. We went to Sonoma and tasted the wine that grew from the earth that was constantly touch by the sun's rays. Brilliant.

So now I'm back and I'm here for a longer stay. I've been to California for three days. I've barely spent one moment outside.

What's wrong with me?

I think I've been putting a lot of pressure on California. With all the fault lines and earthquakes, I don't think it needs it. I was betting on being happy here. The sun and Sal made me so happy last year. But that was a vacation. This is the summer. I'm here and I have a ton of work to do. My independent study on the Beat poets and Muir Woods/Ecotourism. Interviewing applicants for Weave. I've been writing. So that's good. But while I'm in the state of California, the state I really find myself in is a blurry one. A blurry, transitional, slightly-depressed state that is now resenting some of this delicious sunshine that I adored so much last year. Who knows when we will find an apartment and get settled into the city? I find myself lacking the skills to know how to be productive without a routine, my desk, my books and my car. I don't have any answers yet.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

One Down, One to Go

I am almost finished with one year of graduate school.

(Hang on, I need to write those words again.)

I am almost finished with one year of graduate school.

Ok, yeah that's about right. Well, sort of. I technically still have the summer and next summer too. But how did I get here? This time last year I was just getting accepted to my MFA program. I applied late, got accepted in April and from there on things became this spiral of events and movements, back bends and flips through fiery hoops. It also seems I will survive one year of teaching. How I managed both at the same time, I might never know.

I do have some insight. So much in fact, I feel that I may have actually become less wise, but more self-assured. By less wise I simply mean I am beginning to realize how much there is to know in the world. How much knowledge, the sheer number of words that have been put to the page, and how I will never read them all. I think I have learned so much about myself this year that I might need years afterward to process much of it. But I've also learned that life does not slow down or wait for you to catch up.

I have a lot of options in terms of my career and lifestyle that I have to begin researching. Should I go on for a Phd? Should I teach for a couple years first? Should I attempt a Phd in something else? I also have my personal life to consider. My partner lives in California and I would like to move to be closer to him. California is apparently desperate for public school teachers and I can easily transfer my teaching certification from Pennsylvania and look for work teaching middle or high school English and writing. I could also stay in Pittsburgh and continue teaching at my current job, since I have really enjoyed working with the gifted population.

With so many options, its no wonder I'm stressed.

I just dropped the SO off at the airport. He was in for a long visit and it's always so nice when he's here. But just when I get used to having him around, he has to leave again. In order to deal with this emotional stress, I'm going dancing on Saturday. Hardcore. I need to boogie away my tense muscles.